Uncategorized – Page 18 – EveryDay Glows

Living with a friend is not easy especially if you do not pay the bills.

You just do not know what to say when people ask where you stay. I mean, the question you have to answer when asked where you are. That dilemma of wanting to say home or at my friend’s place, and then another question follows of ‘who’ and ‘why’, so you just end up saying “am home” even though you know it isn’t your home.

The moment there’s a knock and you happen to receive the door. That awkwardness that crops up when you find out it’s the flat agent distributing water bill quotations and so you are there wondering whether to hand it to your friend or place it on the table and sit as if nothing happened.

Those moments when electricity tokens get depleted and you got no cash on you. You are not sure whether to call her up to tell her about it and so you sit in the dark waiting for her to get home.

This was me sometime last year, as much as I wanted to hang out with my friends at ‘home’ I just couldn’t.

My introverted nature could be mistaken for extroversion for the many times I left the house just to physically catch up with my close friends.

Bilhah was nearest at the time. I call her Billie to make her name seem fancier. She is a fan of Billie Eilish. We spent enormous time with her talking and dancing silly to house music, the genre we both fancy.

The crazy things you do with your closest friend; we would download different apps to find out how each one of them works. Thanks to Telkom for its awesome bundle offers.

Sometimes we’d be so annoying as to request rides on the bolt app and then cancel the requests after we hang up the phone on the driver. Evil, I know, and I am so apologetic to the bolt drivers we wasted then.

There’s this dating app that we happened to download, Tantan. It is very common among those looking forward to finding their significant other in social media platforms, dating sites to be precise. Right before we decided to delete the app, guys had started saying hello.

People must be very desperate out here, I thought to myself. Well, I also tend to understand that people have different motives while signing up on these dating apps. Not necessarily to look for a partner, Just like Billie and I, having fun and breaking the boredom .

Writing this reminds me of a song by Avril and Marya, “tumekuja chokoza”. Perfect application it was then.

Ekay was the first to pop up in my inbox and so here we were with Billie deciding whether to reply to his “Hello” or not. To be completely honest he was good looking. He had this appealing dark blue shades with a sky blue shirt written a ‘.com’ on it. Yes, that how vivid I recall it. It’s almost funny how I have a good memory but then bad at names.

Staying on the app was not our intention, I decided to reply with my number and delete the app. Ever had those friends you think you’ll never communicate beyond WhatsApp conversations and a few hangouts?

Well, Ekay turned out to be such a friend. He had become a version of Dan that I liked. You remember Dan from my previous write?

The conversations grew deeper by day, sometimes I would feel annoyed if he did not call to check up on me or say goodnight. It was a trend that I had got used to. You just don’t stop doing something you started especially if I like it. My childhood shaped me, I did not get much attention growing up and this translated to attachment issues.

I liked Ekay but I wasn’t ready to meet up with him yet. This happens to me a lot. I get so close with someone virtually to the point I think meeting them physically will ruin everything. Also, my introversion plays part in this.

I turned down requests to see me several times. He was based at a hub in Githurai. He would suggest a movie every other time while saying hello. I just couldn’t, I am not a marvel fan. I am more into Disney. It happened that marvel movies were the ones being showcased at the time.

Eventually, I decided to meet him. It was around 7-ish heading to 8 pm. He always worked late and was less busy during the evenings. I would have met him at around 5 pm but then you know us introverts. I still had to confirm my conclusion of whether was doing this or not.

I put on a pair of blue shorts and a navy blue sweatshirt and a pair of sky blue rubber shoes. See, I like the blue color but black is my dominant. I also happened to have blue outfits popping.

He was so good at giving directions. He still is, or maybe I am the one who’s good at following them. In a pink shirt and beige colored khaki, he picked me up at Lee star supermarket and to the hub we went. Wait you do not want me to give details of how our salutations were like, do you? Anyways it was a simple one-sided hug followed by the usual conversation starters.

The hub was half-filled with people some surfing the internet, others playing games and the rest were part of the staff.

With time, people cleared and it was just me, Ekay, and a few guys who worked at the hub. We now had time to catch up freely. An hour of an awesome talk was good for the day. I felt I had made a new friend. He was a virtual friend before that day. I was happy I finally met Ekay in person.

I enjoyed every moment of the time whether he was busy or not. At least I did not have to talk the whole time, I had the chance to tell my inner self, “you can do this Emh”.

It is now a year and a half of great friendship after a couple of dates. Recently, I fell ill and guess who was there for me, Ekay. He paid all my hospital bills and catered for my medication. He accompanied me to all my appointments with the doctor at the Radiant group of hospitals. He made sure I ate the recommended food and on time. His care felt nice. I grew fond of him each day. It was both amazing and unbelievable at the same time. I celebrate Ekay as my hero.

I was falling for Ekay. This is something that was there even before the illness. You see, he is intelligent and I am sapiosexual, makes perfect sense. This he did not know. So many times I tried to fight but I couldn’t. Nature had taken its course. You know real feelings don’t just go away. Sometimes missing him felt stupid. I was probably not always in his mind. I would often get angry at myself for loving someone who saw me as his baby sister. I am not quite sure whether he saw me like this, all I know is that he loved me back probably not in the same way I loved him.

My greatest fear is rejection. I wouldn’t risk saying anything, I’d rather keep my love for him a secret.

From the Tantan app to WhatsApp conversations to the first date and the second and the third, I never thought it would get to this point. I was disturbed. I did not know how to come through for myself. I was afraid to tell anyone about it. Not even my therapist. Well, am certain she will come across this article and schedule a session with me.

I love me. I am a strong one. I could walk every day on the verge of sadness and not even have the slightest clue that I was unwell. Ekay noticed nothing. He still showed me the same kind of care. Every day I hoped that he would notice something was wrong with me but then I gave him no chance to. My fears were stronger than I was. Every time his name came up on my phone I’d be reluctant to answer the call, not because he was a bother. I just did not know how to pretend that I was fine. Lying did not make me a better person but did I have a choice? Well, yes but then I was not set on making that decision.

I am at the moment in a catch-22 situation whether I should tell him or not. Perhaps I just shouldn’t. What difference will it make anyway. Ekay is already with someone else. You see, one time during our hangouts I did overhear a conversation between him and a lady on his phone. The conversation was so detailed about his house. It is ill-mannered to eavesdrop. His voice call volume was up and clear enough for me to hear the person on the other side. He would have reduced it if we were in the same room but I doubt he realized it was loud enough to reach me in the other room.

The discussion did not bother me as much as their last words towards the end of the call. “I love you”, Ekay said, and back it was reciprocated. ‘Chest pains’ “tu” but “si ni life”. I honestly did not know how to react to that. I just lay still to whatever surface was next to me. I am not even sure I was thinking. I am just trying to imagine how Billie would go about this. That crazy sweet thing is more than melodramatic. She is always waiting to dial that reinforcement code on her contact list. The last thing I remember that day is Ekay’s voice as he shouted from the other room I guess, “FOOD IS READY”. I am not sure whether he was even close to me or not, his tone was just loud from my end. He might have not shouted, it’s just the way I perceived it then.

Now I know my place. This makes me look back and smile. My feelings won’t get hurt anymore. Suppose I had told him what I felt, then I’d put him in a difficult situation. A situation that I wouldn’t like to see happen and if it did I’d be grateful to Tinkerbell. I felt it when she said,” if you have to choose between me and her, chose her. Because if you really loved me, there wouldn’t be any other choice.”

At the beginning of 2020, I moved into this bedsitter that really excited me. An excitement that felt like a cold flame. It had nothing, no kitchen section, no drawers just a toilet at the left corner of the room and a walk-in shower closed off by a single wall next to it. On the enclosed wall was the only tap. My excitement was as a result of the relief of having not to live under unnecessary conditions. I did not cook for the first couple of days. I had no kitchen ware.

Every time I felt I needed to quench my thirst I would swing it the old fashioned way, just the way a typical Kenyan man would lap water with his hands to his mouth. At this moment I realized that bathroom water can actually be consumed, you see most people think water from toilet taps is contaminated, I mean is it not from the same source as the one from the kitchen? “Kama kawaida “, mama jimmy would ask every time she saw me in the queue at her joint. She would cook chapatis at the same rate they were being ordered. Four chapos were enough for a day and a half. The rent was as affordable staying in that particular house.

It did not strain me much to afford it. My caretaker Mwangi Irungu , was just one of a kind. The many times I felt irritated by his tendency to forget stuff made me want to leave without notice. How would he even have remembered that I had given him an advance notice? He reminds me of a friend who every other time will find an excuse for “nilipata shugli” every time she’d forget to do something we’d have agreed on. He was a kind man though. I would watch how humbly he’d walk with his hands on his back to receive the Holy Communion. Oh, yes I knew him from church a few years back when I was a staunch Catholic. He was part of the choir and would sit on the third pew. A designated space for the bass voices. I could tell he loved singing and loved Church at large. He seemed happy from his all-time lively participation. I spent most of my time in my 6*6 spring slumber land 8-inch mattress either watching movies from my phone or reading my God keeps His promises copy from my collection. I left my house three days a week and the third day was actually Sunday. I needed to make amends with my Father in His dwelling place.

Every time my phone would ring at around 10 pm I would definitely know that it’s Dan. I would either choose to pick up the call or ignore it. His obvious question, “umepika nini leo’ had grown to be an itch on my ass. I mean, so what if I’ve cooked “pilau” or” kuku” will you fly all the way from wherever to just come eat, and what if I did not cook anything, which actually I didn’t. Dan is a good person. I met him at a memorial service not long ago. He is one of those drummers you’d stop to stare even if you don’t fancy music. The way he does his thing with intense passion is just so amazing. When I first met him, he got me losing my clapping rhythm. He is just so talented and this got me to want to know him. Talking to him one on one I could hardly tell he’s got a condition.

This I realized later during our WhatsApp conversations and the frequent phone calls he would make. I am pretty sure that if I had a boyfriend Dan’s calls would outdo his. Dan’s startup conversations would never go beyond, ‘Hi, how are you, did you go to church today? And on the calls, he would never forget to ask whether I have cooked. Sometimes he’d ask if I was the one preaching in church or if I wanted to be a pastor even when it wasn’t Sunday. Many times I wanted to curse and tell him off but then I tried to make him understand that going to church doesn’t mean one wants to be a pastor. I have the grace to tolerate people with “conditions” but with Dan, I couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to know I felt annoyed by him. I often said to him out loud to ‘get a life’ deep in my head. He did me quite a favor though, I felt the motivation to get myself some kitchen ware. With the help of a few friends, I managed to have more than I needed. This is when I realized the actual meaning of a house warming.

I could now cook although this resulted in a much worse problem. My house was extremely damp to the extent I couldn’t have stored food. Any kind of flour would grow mould in a week or less. This took me back to being mama Jimmy’s loyal chapo customer. The community had gotten used to seeing me at the chapo joint and for a moment I was afraid they would give me a nickname with the name chapo or chapati on it. I did not care. Chapos are my favorites after all. I can take them without any accompaniments. The dampness at my house grew stronger. The only window that I relied on for fresh air could only open halfway. I would wash clothes prior to the day I would put them on to avoid the stress of having to get rid of the damp smell on them.

I felt content, I had my own house, I had my autonomy at last. For so many reasons I was not happy. I had no peace of mind. Talking of peace, apparently people perceive it differently. There are those who think that peace is being away from noise or trouble. Then there’s me who thinks that peace is being in the midst of all the noise and trouble and feel calm and still. I was afraid, afraid of falling ill, afraid of my clothes getting spoilt, afraid I wasn’t happy. Funny, I was even afraid of letting my landlord know what my house was like. Deep down I knew he was a good man. Still I was afraid to speak up. He is a ‘Mwangi’, how certain was I that he would agree to refund my deposit at the end of the month? Si you know how most rentals operate in Kenya. This thing with kukalia deposit”.

Being indecisive is my greatest weakness especially when I am under pressure and stress. This was me in my damp bedsitter. I knew I needed to do something but I was in dilatory behavior. After a day or two of much thinking I decided to approach Mwangi. I waited till he was home from work. “ Habari ya Jones”, he would address me by my mum’s name. Mine was hard to memorize he would say.” Mzuri sana” I replied with a smiley face. I went ahead to telling him the situation at my house with less hesitation.

He was keen to listen. This made me feel confident in explaining my situation. When he began to speak I feared he would decline my request. That “sawasawa” response is all I needed to hear. Well, he did say it. This moment was priceless for me. I felt a sense of relief. I was happy. This was the kind of feeling you get when you wake up to an unexpected Mpesa message.

I could now sleep easier with no worries, no fears no stress. all I needed to do was look for another house. This wasn’t a hard thing to do. About month ago a colleague of mine and I enjoyed a free ride from our boss around Nova Pioneer High school in Tatu City. We actually had sweet talked him to drive us just to have a look at the place and possibly start a ‘LIFE community’ with time. Kamiti outspan house is the first appealing feature you see when you enter Ruturo, the ‘kijiji’ cropping in Tatu city behind Nova High school. I hear the main aim for the building was to attract Nova staff who were afraid of settling inside the ‘Kijiji”. It is not yet a slum but given around 5-10 years with the rate its growing it could turn out to be one in Kiambu county. My thoughts though.

I made arrangements to move out at the end of the month of March. I already had a place of interest, Tatu City. The thought of settling in a new place and especially Tatu gave me much comfort than I thought I would be. I had a great feel that I needed a fresh start. I needed to revive my peace of mind.

I set out to leave for Tatu on the 8^th of April when Mwangi refunded my deposit money. I was intensely resolute to leave that damp place. By 4:27pm I was already settled in my new house in Tatu. I did not receive an effusive welcome like one I had received at Mwangi’s place but then the contentment of being at that particular space was so fulfilling.

I could now see everything without bias. I felt a sense of freedom. I wanted to live simple reading a book in a corner with my headphones on. I wanted to listen to my body, fall asleep when the rains pour and wake up with nothing to worry about. I find comfort in my house now. I read books, listen to music, I meditate, take long walks and am learning new ways of being still.

I wake up every day in this space where everything feels right. Am in a cozy house with good food and fresh air. I am at peace with where I am and what I have been through. My heart is calm.

Category: Uncategorized

THE LOVE I NEVER HAD

MY PEACE REVIVED

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